First of all, Britton- thank you, my friend, for sharing this song with me at such a timely moment (lyrics at the bottom)! I listened to it over and over tonight. I feel like its lyrics are intricately wrapped around my life's current state and my soul's deepest desires. And, thank you, Smalltown Poets, for depicting my broad, hazy, looming cloud of thoughts so well. Perhaps it should be a motto for my life at all times, but, well- I'm definitely learning to live by faith in a way that I never have really "had" to before.

The Lord uses all kinds of "methods" for each of us to teach us how to rely on Him completely. Most of us never learn how to find our everything in Him, because the material bounties of our nation glaze over the deeper necessities of our souls. Some of the greatest tests of our faith come down to the choices that we make. Sometimes, God paves a very black-and-white path for us at the crossroads of a life decision, whether big or small. But I'm convinced that usually not the case. If it were, would there be a need for faith?

I'm a control freak and a perfectionist, and I hate to think that I might make a wrong decision. I'm the type of person who wants to live in every country of the world before I decide which one to settle down in. I am passionate about so many things that it took me three years to decide what to major in (and when I did decide, I chose a very general, non-decisive major). When I'm invited to five social gatherings in one night, I'll push to attend at least some of every single one because I hate to think that I might miss out on something. I'm great at dreaming and casting vision. But when it comes to materializing that vision by breaking it down into small, strategic steps, I am often so overwhelmed by the dream's grandiosity that I shut down completely. Instead of bringing decisions, small and large, before the Lord, I'll ask fifty friends and make charts and graphs to see which decision's logic would outweigh that of another. Multiple choice tests were always a nightmare. To avoid making the wrong choice, I'd ignore my gut instinct as to which answer was correct. Instead, I'd throw a little debate tournament for answers A, B, C, and D, analyzing the hell out of each one until my eyes were crossed and my brain numb.

Sound tiring? I think so. I've lived most of my life worrying, which is the opposite of trusting, which is a synonym for faith. Basically, I'm a worry wart and I suck at having faith. And I'm sick of sucking at that.

Tonight, I was sitting on my bed, contemplating a major life decision that I will need to make in the next couple of months. I thought, "Ok, I could take this matter before the Lord. But I don't want to take it before Him, because then in the end He'll end up making me make the decision for myself, and if I take it before Him I'm putting it in His hands, and if I'm putting it in His hands, He's going to expect me to be obedient, but He isn't going to make the answer clear to me anyway, so I don't want to put it in His hands and be blamed for being disobedient when I didn't really know the answer to my prayers for decision making." If I were God, I'd be shooting me with a colossal lithium needle.

Basically, I lack faith. BIGTIME. I worry, worry, worry, worry. Here are some comical, yet truthful quotes I've heard that speak on this issue:

"When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened."

-Winston Churchill

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength."

-Corrie Ten Boom

And, of course, Jesus quoted some pretty profound truths about worry in Matthew six. Why do we worry about tomorrow? It will work itself out. Why do we question the nature of God by thinking He won't provide for us when He provides for even the sparrows?

I've realized that my worries have a lot less to do with how much I trust myself and a lot more to do with Who I believe God to be. Why do I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders? Oh yes, in my head I believe that God is good and that He wants to bless me. But in my heart, I choose to believe that I am bad and that His blessing will only follow my perfect obedience. What if He speaks something to me and I'm not sure if I hear Him correctly? Say I act out on faith, doing what I really feel He is telling me to do? Then what if it wasn't really Him? Will I screw my life over because of that choice to try to obey?

How silly am I? It's time to believe that God delights in me, loves to bless me, and is far more concerned about the condition of my heart than anything else. Perhaps I feel He's telling me do to something, and I do it as an act of faith and worship to Him. Say it wasn't really Him speaking to me, even though I'd thought it was. Have I screwed my life up by taking a step of faith in effort to please Him? Certainly not. I strongly believe that He'd be so delighted at my surrendered heart and desire to obey that He'd pour out His blessing and work everything out beautifully. So, perhaps I need to start standing firmly on my knowledge of His character rather than thinking, re-thinking, overanalyzing and acting out vague consequences to each possible decision in my mind.

Jesus has so much more faith in me than I ever could in myself. He has so much more faith in me than I have in Him. He's not worried about me, so why am I worried about me? While spilling my heart out to my mom the other night over the phone, she said to me, "Lindsay, I don't believe God has a tenth of the expectations for you as you have for yourself." I expect way too much of me and way too little of God. And that's the root of my worry. I know who God is in my head, but my heart is not yielded to that knowledge. If I really trusted His character, I wouldn't think that I would have to pick up the slack for poor choices I make in effort to please Him.

Seven months ago, I made the decision to go into full-time ministry. It is something I've felt the Lord leading me to do for a long time, but fear held me back for a long time. I'm finding that although He desires to use me to help reconcile others to Him, He has a WHOLE LOT He wants to teach me through this experience, about both me and Him. My life is nothing like I thought it'd be a year ago. Back then I was making good money and seeing tangible results for my hard work and success. Now, I send out support letters and make phone calls asking friends and family to join in on what God is doing by supporting me financially and in prayer. This has been a beautiful thing, and such a blessing. Through it, He is teaching me to be dependent on Him and on others instead of on myself. In the ministry, vocational success is not measured by tangible results, but on obedience to God step-by-step, day-by-day. Sometimes, as I watch my friends climb up the ladder in their careers, I re-think my calling. "God, was it REALLY You who asked me to do this?? Look at them!!" As the Smalltown Poets write below, "I was mourning the loss of the choices I'd lose." I believe that climbing up the vocational ladder is what He calls many of His children to do. But I'm so very thankful that He has me doing what I'm doing now, because it's what brings me the greatest joy and I would be miserable if I weren't walking in His will! No vocational calling is higher than another, but I suppose He knows what will best mold each of us into individuals of greater faith and godly character. For me, it's the path He has me on right now.

" It's the choice of a lifetime & I'm almost sure
I will not live my life in between anymore
If I can't be certain of all that's in store
This far it feels so right
I will hold it up & hold it up to the light,
Hold it up to the light, hold it up to the light

The search for my future has brought me here
This is more than I'd hoped for, but sometimes I fear
That the choice I was made for will someday appear
And I'll be too late for that flight
So hold it up & hold it up to the light,
Hold it up to the light, hold it up to the light

I said God, will you bless this decision?
I'm scared. Is my life at stake?
But I know if you gave me a vision
Would I never have reason to use my faith?

Now as soon as I'm moving & my choice is good
This way comes through right where I prayed that it would
If I keep my eyes open and look where I should
Somehow all of the signs are in sight
If I hold up the light

It's too late & to be stopped at the crossroads
Each life here & each a possible way
But wait & and they all will be lost roads
Each path's growing shorter the longer I stay

I was dead with deciding & afraid to choose
I was mourning the loss of the choices I'd lose
But there's no choice at all if I don't make my move
And trust that the timing is right
I will hold it up hold it up to the light
Hold it up to the light, hold it up to the light."

-"Hold it Up to the Light" by Smalltown Poets